beauty

Rocking the purple hair in South Dakota with my bestie. PC: KSB

Thick, curly hair

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Thick, curly hair:

Some say it’s a mane, wild like a lion,

But our hair is beautiful, not beastly,

not something dangerous needing to be “tamed.”

Is it unruly simply because it does not lie flat?

Are “tangled” locks not close to the heart of curls,

which intertwine to form a loose and lovely lattice

around our stately domes?

If you imply we ought to control our hair,

maintain our hair for a week;

Our hair requires constant upkeep

for health.

We do control our hair, and our halos of coils and curls

are the glorious result.

I will wear my hair with pride.

Call it wild because it is purple and, yes, twirls off at all angles,

But also see that it is thick, curly and naturally beautiful.

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Beauty in the Broken: I Have Worth

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“She has great worth, and he saw that in her.” My best friend Annabelle’s mom spoke this about one of her daughter’s best friends and that girl’s boyfriend, but I immediately thought, “Someday somebody will say that about me.”

This summer I have been learning that I have worth, value, and beauty. God used my time in Denver with my mentor Melanie and the Denver Urban Semester (DUS)/ Issachar community to begin healing my heart from half a lifetime of not believing who God says I am — a woman of “beauty beyond measure,” as my friend Blake told me, and someone with great worth.

If I took the time to reflect on my friends outside of school during secondary school or my friends from senior year and a few others, I am sure I could compile a lengthy list of people who loved me and appreciated me. However, I never felt as if I truly belonged until I was out of my former school environment and in college. I never searched my heart and put to words my feelings about not believing I had worth until this summer in DUS.

Although I know my female friends have affirmed and accepted me this past year and in previous years, I receive the messages better from males. I do not know why male affirmation appears more significant and believable to me than that of females, but my brain and heart work that way. Hence, I would like to note and thank several guy friends who have especially revealed my worth to me.

Niles, Lauren, and I after the hospital day

Niles, me and our friend Lauren. Photo credit: Millie Cline

Niles McConnell sees such treasure in me. He said I am his friend, and for him to let someone in like that is significant. He sees me as a woman, and he informed me that my love for God is obvious and uncommon, which is the highest praise I could desire. Niles’ refrain of “You’re the woman, Skye” boosted my confidence this summer. When we spent a day at the hospital because of his hand injury, he encouraged and affirmed me without my asking, and he asked me questions about myself, contributing to what ironically became one of the best days of my summer in Denver. I know that Niles cares about me because of how intently he listens to me and asks hard questions. I am honored to know a man like Niles, for he loves our God and his Eastside and lives so purely for Jesus.

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Brandon and I decorating cookies last summer. Photo credit: Mrs. Wallis

Brandon Wallis is one of my best friends. He lives in Connecticut, “back home,” although we know each other from RBGY Camp. We have been friends for about seven years, and we have grown especially close in the past one or two. Brandon “gets” me, which is rare. He trusts me and opens up to me more and more each time we are together, subtly affirming my worth. Honestly, I am simply grateful that he trusts me and calls me one of his best friends.

Brandon and I are like the same person in some aspects such as our unique movie tastes (we love Barbie movies) and enjoyable pastimes. We make beautiful music together, color in coloring books and spend time doing other odd and creative recreations, laugh and have fun anytime we hang out, and talk about deep things and about life in general. I feel comfortable wearing sweats or pajamas around him, yet his making me comfortable no matter what makes me want to dress up sometimes. Basically, I always feel beautiful around him. I love Brandon and thank God for strengthening our friendship in recent years.

The Liar with Josh Fort, Shinyoung, and Ili

From L to R: Josh Fort, Shinyoung Kim, Iliana Rivera, and me at Arena Theater’s performance of The Liar. Photo Credit: a girl who lived in Fischer Hall

Josh Fort encourages me by saying how I encourage him, which I find ironically humorous. He takes care of me by making sure I do not eat lactose and that I get rest; he notices when I am not my usual, cheerful self; and he knows who that normal, healthy self is. The fact that he knows who I am stands out most to me. It demonstrates that he knows my value and inner beauty.

I am also incredibly grateful for Josh’s compassion, how he is always a phone call away for either an emergency or to hang out, and for his kind care for me. Several times this summer, I thought of how Josh takes care of me and how he is one of my top four closest friends at Wheaton College, and this makes me believe he is one of my best friends as well. Finally, Josh is forgiving. I have cried with him over my sin, and our relationship has burgeoned since then; may all praise be to God.

Maurice Bokanga

Maurice Bokanga in his noble hat. Photo Credit: unknown; stolen from his Facebook page

I can cry on my friend Maurice Bokanga’s shoulder. He understands why I walk in the snowdrifts instead of on the sidewalk, and we build each other up in our faith by encouraging each other to boldly proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He makes me laugh, and I trust him. My trusting someone on a deep level means a lot, incidentally.

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Samuel and I goofing off. Photo credit: us 😉

Samuel Kim, another friend from Wheaton, also “gets” me. When he asks how I am, he honestly cares. His care makes me feel incredibly valued. Samuel and I have shared laughter, serious conversations, tears and prayers, and spicy birthday Thai food. (I had to bring that up, Samuel.)

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Shinyoung and I. Photo credit: Shinyoung Kim

Other times this summer when I thought about times I truly felt valued, I repeatedly remembered eating at the Stupe with Shinyoung Kim, a new friend at Wheaton. I remember sharing some childhood story in which he was honestly interested. He intently looked at me as I shared memories and was not bored by me. I bring this memory to mind when I need to remember that people actually want to listen to me and care about what I say.

I am also grateful for my other DUS brothers and everyone else who has shown me my worth by telling me of my value and beauty, caring for me, praying with and for me, listening to me, simply liking who I am and not being judgmental, hugging me and working through the causes of my tears. God used you gentlemen on my road to healing, to believing who Jesus says I am and who He made me to be. I love you, my friends, and I thank you from the center of my heart.

Beauty Week: Giving up Guys

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My floor held Beauty Week this past week. Every girl who participated gave up something dear to herself with the intent that she would see her true beauty because of God’s image in her. Many girls fasted makeup, a few gave up looking in mirrors, some gave up sweets, one temporarily quit baggy sweatshirts, and another resisted asking about whether her clothing looked perfect every day. One of the things I fasted was initiating conversation with guys.

I decided that if a guy talked to me, I could converse with him, but I could not start the conversation. There is something special about having male friends, something I cannot place, but I know that my desire for attention from them is often sinful. I realized that I was not secure in God’s love for me and that I looked for that attention and future affection in guys instead of in Him. Going into beauty week, I was convicted to give up seeking this attention from guys, even though I knew it would be difficult.

In fact, day one was awful. It had only been a day, but I could barely stand it! This proved further how much I idolize guys. God is gracious, however, and he allowed me to converse with one of my best friends named Samuel since it was in the context of a discussion with another friend.

Throughout the week, I was able to have many regular chats with my guy friends after class, before chapel, and in passing because they said hello and asked how I was doing. In this respect, the week was normal. Nevertheless, I was unable to text or call Samuel to ask if he could hang out, and I could not visit him at work on Friday as I have taken to doing. I could not text or mail some of my other friends to say I was praying for them or to send them a Bible verse. I also could not ask them various questions about what was going on in their lives, and I was frustrated by this.

I evaluated my week on Wednesday night and realized how much I appreciate my guy friends. I am so grateful for Josh Fort, Daniel Yoon, and Samuel Kim, to name just a few. As I reflected on the first half of the week, I was warmed by remembering a past conversation with Daniel when I had visited him at work, a normal occurrence, and he had said he appreciated my visits to him.

In my Wednesday night reflections, I also realized more of my intentions when I seek attention from my guy friends. My dependence on them has been unhealthy. God calls me beautiful, He loves me, He knows what He is doing, and He is all I need. Why do I turn away from Him and to guys so often? That being said, I felt ready for the week to end. I thought I had learned my lessons and wished I didn’t have to continue the fast for the rest of the week.

After Wednesday night, I gave up much of my resolve. On Friday afternoon I purposefully broke my fast. I saw Samuel come out of class, and I waited for him and exchanged a few sentences with him for a minute before our paths split. While our brief chat calmed my ridiculous fears that our friendship would dissipate after a week of not talking, I broke my commitment to Beauty Week by deciding to approach him to talk. I tried to convince myself that it was a good thing; he looked haggard, and a good friend would certainly ask how he was. Yet I went out of my way to do so, and I know I was actually being selfish. My insecure and auditory self wanted to hear his voice to reaffirm what I know is a solid friendship. The guilt of breaking my signed commitment to Beauty Week overshadowed the comfort I received from speaking with my male friend.

Looking back on Beauty Week, I wish I had depended on Christ Jesus instead and had not broken my commitment. I am grateful that Jesus has forgiven me, however! I need not dwell in my guilt any longer but must continue to run to Jesus. He is the one Lover and friend that will never, ever fade away from His beloved people, and I will thank Him both now and into eternity.

To conclude these ponderings on Beauty Week, I shall simply add one more thought: I often felt as if I had to ignore males during Beauty Week. In this time period, I realized that interacting with males is fine, good, and normal. God made both males and females for a reason; we need each other. Having male friends is a blessing from Him, and I thank God that He has altered my perspective so that I can appreciate platonic male friendships more.

I encourage you, readers, to fast something you love for the sake of growing closer to God and for your health. I would not have chosen to fast on my own, but signing a commitment alongside many other girls and maintaining accountability with them throughout the fasting period greatly assisted the discipline. Thus, fast joyfully and in community so that you can personally grow more intimate with the God of the universe who gave up everything to be with you.