November 5: Honestly Not Sure

Hi friends. I’m having trouble knowing how to rejoice tonight. I am processing a lot of emotions and assessing my behaviors and responses, and despite all ways I’ve grown this past year, I still fall back on certain, undesirable patterns.

Maybe like bouldering, I’ll celebrate the many good steps I’ve taken toward being a whole and healthy and secure individual, though it’s still something I’m working on.

Do we as humans ever get there? If we are always learning and growing, maybe we come to solid emotional places but then level up to new challenges and become even more mature.

My state of being: in transit, looking for a travel buddy to be a form of home along all the adventures of life. PC: KSB

It is hard not to build walls in response to hurts along the way, however, whether small or large. I want to stay soft hearted and eager, but I also need to establish better boundaries for myself.

That’s a paradox to me, but I think it makes sense. I think it is mature to know yourself and allow yourself to feel safe within your boundaries while still kindling that spark for life and desire to know people. It’s just more paced out, maybe.

I haven’t figured it out. Clearly. As an enneagram six, I want security but know it takes time to build trust.

So perhaps what I am grateful for tonight is the ability to recognize these things.

And I have to trust that everything will be okay.

Peep my leg with the message, « Breathe and believe. » I treasured that phrase while the sharpie lasted on my thigh! PC: KSB

A delightful human once told me to « breathe and believe. » I asked them what I should believe in, and they said « us. » It was sweet, but a foundation is still required for that belief. I would love to build that foundation and then be able to breathe and believe with confidence.

And I have to believe that everything will work out for the good because I am embraced by the love of God and called according to his purpose. God is faithful when all else fails.

If I don’t believe that, I’m without hope. And I desperately need hope in my life.

Of course, I like it when other things are faithful too, and that’s part of why I value my close friendships and my relatives so much. I do long for some special person to be my companion in life. But ultimately God is the one who empowers us all to be gracious and to persevere after good and to love one another well in those devoted relationships.

Mood. PC:KSB

What does it mean to rejoice? I don’t fully understand. But I hope I will.